The Ideal Householder

The ideal householder leads on earth a consecrated life, not unmindful of any duty to the living, or to the departed. His wife, the glory of his house, is modest and frugal, adores her husband, guards herself, and is the guardian of his house’s fame. His children are his choicest treasures; their babbling voices are his music; he feasts with the Gods when he eats the rice their tiny fingers have played with; and his one aim is to make them worthier than himself. Affection is the very life of his soul, of all his virtues the first and greatest. The sum and source of them all is love.  His house is open to every guest whom he welcomes with a smiling face and a pleasant word, and with whom he shares his meal, courteous in speech grateful for every kindness, just in all his dealings, master of himself in perfect self-control, strict in the performance of every assigned duty, pure, patient and forbearing with a heart free from envy, moderate in desires, speaking no evil of others, refraining from unprofitable words, dreading the touch of evil, diligent in the discharge of all the duties of his position, and liberal in his benefaction, he is one whom all unite to praise.

Happiness Creating Activities

It is up to each family to celebrate, to enjoy life on a regular basis. Maybe every day, with super celebrations on the weekend, like teenage kids do. A special movie on television can be celebrated with popcorn. One can dress up for dinner on Saturday night at home. We can make affirmations for the family, a way of life.

Singing together.

Thanking your gurus or teachers.

Being loving and giving affirmations to parents and elders.

Forgiving those who harm you. Image the best events and people.

Call forth the highest from others.

Think of God, the source of all abundance.

Celebrate Abundance. Praise God.

The ancients tell us that Brahma the Creator has put in a certain predetermined number of breaths into every creature. If a person gives in to intemperate passions, the first system to be affected is his breathing. He uses up his designated number of breaths faster and succumbs to death. The blue-print of all life is the same. The structure of every atom in our bodies is reflected in all living and non-living things. The joy and pain of life flows through all animals, birds, fish and plants. It is not difficult to believe that the divine spark is in all beings. Imaging creates reality. We are surrounded by the field of all possibilities. The thought seeds we plant in the form of intentions, thoughts, dreams, actions today, grow into tomorrow’s realities.  ‘As you sow so do you reap’, says the Bible.

Celebrations

The poorest among mankind celebrate the gift of life and the bounty of Nature. In early January, the whole village celebrates Pongal in Tamil Nadu, South India and similar festivals all over the world depending on the harvest time. It stretches over four days, which become an island of joy, even if life is a stormy business. All old things are burnt in a huge bonfire. New clothes are worn. Overflowing joy and good fortune are celebrated by the Pongal pot of plenty which boils over with the rice and jaggery that will be eaten at the celebration.

The house is newly painted and decorated. There is a whole day devoted to cows. Their horns are painted and bodies decorated, and they enjoy a rest and good food. The last day is devoted to going out and seeing friends and relatives, watching movies and generally celebrating life.

The saying is that when Thai (following the mid January Harvest festival) is born, a way will be found to solve all problems. These celebrations lift you out of the trough of despondency. They fill you with the energy to make a new beginning with the help of God and the family.

Power of Affirmations

The family is the magic circle where all wounds are healed and all dissonance melts into harmony. It is important to make sure you give affirmations to all members of the family, particularly the ones to whom you usually send devastating Heat Seeking Missiles (HSMs) like, ‘Why is your room like a pig sty?’ ‘Why do you always forget anything I tell you?’

Make every day an occasion to show how important your family is to you. Everyone talks of quality time nowadays. Once, a girl from Kuala Lumpur told me about her exciting marriage to a man from LA. ‘We have a really good time on holidays,’ she said. Another bright young yuppie from a major bank said her husband worked for the same bank in another city. ‘We meet on weekends and feel just like we did when we were dating!’ she said her eyes shining. Is this looked-forward-to weekend the antidote to the solid permanence and possible boredom of a traditional marriage? Are the constant travels away from each other the basis for the ‘open birdcage’ marriage to which the bird always returns from its travels?

Children however need the security of a simple, dependable schedule. Ambiguity or lack of dependability in family life is known to affect the individual’s capacity to live in a secure long-term relationship in the future.

Care More Give More - Interview Published in Body and Beyond

Teenagers in the Family

This is a critical time when family can make all the difference. I remember the time my fourteen-year-old nephew came to me and said, ‘I want a ring in my navel.’ Being by then an experienced uncle of teenagers, I said, ‘Hey, I also want one. Let’s go to a hospital and get it done.’ My nephew was shocked. ‘Do you really want it too?’ he asked. When I nodded in the affirmative, he said he’d get his done later! The fact that an old man (at twenty-eight I was ‘old’ to him) wanted it, made it far less attractive to him.

This is a time of acne, broken hearts, a newfound interest in the opposite sex, in looks and clothes. ‘Only a mother could love him,’ a friend of mine said of her teenage son.

Many times as a parent, one just remains patient and hangs in there. And suddenly one day they are grown up.

Spend More Time With the Family

Most working couples say `I wish I had more time at home’. If they cannot go home, can their homes come to them? A classic turn it upside down thinking tool. Can kids meet parents for a picnic or lunch at the office? Can couples plan business travel together? Can the office incorporate a Saturday kids’ day into its schedule to improve participation from the family. An open house for kids to see the world their parents inhabit.

In the family, creating a positive field, full of the positive emotion is critical.

The Supportive Circle of Family

Today, however, the family unit itself is under attack.

The breaking down of the joint family has led to a loosening of extended family relationships. The powerful mother­in­law of the joint family is emerging as the subdued caretaker of children, helping the educated daughter­in­law to augment the double income of all upwardly mobile young couples. The large, amorphous, supportive joint family that supported a wide variety of people, physically and otherwise challenged, has been reduced to the nuclear family where everyone is in sharp focus. Where there is no place to hide—much like the modern corporation, where there is no place for passengers, everyone has to pull his weight.

There should be one person who can be a shock absorber in the family. Someone who is not too busy to listen, to support, to manage the daily tasks of living. This could even be a paid caregiver or a cook. Networking is the key for working mothers. Networking with parents, in-laws, neighbours, domestic help and friends.

FAMILY BONDING

After the World Wars, many babies were orphaned. They were placed in state-run orphanages in the United Kingdom. They were kept warm and clean and fed at regular intervals. Suddenly many of the babies began to die of unknown causes. Scientists ascribed the reason for death to ‘lack of human touch, a lack of mothering.’ These deaths were caused by lack of hugging, fondling and nurturing. No one mothered the babies or spoke to them or sang to them. The children died due to lack of love.

The family provides the love and nurturing required for the survival of children. As we grow older, we crave nurturing, but are not adept at asking for it. We long for affirmation from the ‘significant other’ in our lives.

Affirmation is when important people in our lives say, ‘What I really like about you is ...’ They say it verbally, tonally, non­verbally. The opposite of an affirmation is a discount. You need at least ten affirmations for every discount for the maintenance of a healthy relationship. A home filled with discounts becomes a torture chamber instead of a sanctuary. Dr Dean Ornish says that men who feel that their wives love them are much more likely to reverse heart disease, than those who feel the opposite. The home can be the cause for disease. It can also be the safe sanctuary for healing and reversal of disease. Fill your home with affirmations, with positive strokes, with a peaceful atmosphere, a nurturing space that enhances prana, the life force. Laughter and smiles, compliments and hugs can create a powerful positive field in the home.

‘Family is the shock absorber of society, to which the bruised and battered individual returns after doing battle with the world,’ wrote Alvin Toffler in his landmark work ‘Future Shock’. The family provides unconditional love for the crippled, the old and the helpless. It heals the pain of failure and provides rest from the assaults of a cruel competitive world. Family dynamics can cause disease or reverse it

Affirmations for Personal Wellbeing

You are a powerhouse of potential. The great Michelangelo was once asked how he created great statues. Old and half blind, Michelangelo stood before a block of marble, scarred and muddy from the quarries of Carrara. He said quietly, ‘I have never created a statue. I just stand before a block of marble and study it with reverence. For I know that within every block of marble, there lies a statue, waiting to be liberated by the touch of the Master’s hand.’ Within each of us lies hidden a masterpiece waiting to be liberated by the magic touch of attention. Only you can do it.

Be your own ‘expert’. Do not build negative ideas about yourself through the comments of others. Your self-talk should be calm, happy and elevating. Choose to see and hear what is beautiful and encouraging. When you are wounded, learn to soothe yourself by using these affirmations.

(Sit with eyes closed and silently affirm)

By nature I am kind, gentle and loving.

Any mistake committed is unintentional and I forgive myself and others for it.

God’s grace has created a magic circle of love, a safe haven for me and my loved ones.

I am capable of achieving my goals with hard work and dedication.

I look around me for help and knowledge to reach my goals.

I seek companions who encourage and help me.

Invest in Happiness

You can buy happiness by spending your money using these seven principles:

1.       Spend on experiences instead of things: holidays instead of jewels, movies instead of curios

2.       Spend on small every day pleasures, instead of saving till you are blue in the face, to buy the one, huge, dream house. Do not ignore the roses and the chocolates. Drink that great cup of coffee and wear great clothes.

3.       Don’t spend a lot on long term warranties.

4.       Pay now and consume later. Anticipation helps you enjoy the pleasure twice. Waiting for a time share holiday, planning your monthly movie or weekend getaway, adds to the joy.

5.       Look into details before making big investments.

A house on the beach, sounds good on paper. But if the traffic jams are terrible, you have to drive there, pay for the security and the caretaker and then think again.

6.       Avoid comparison shopping and keeping up with the Joneses.

7.       Spend on others. It will make you happier.

Exploring New Alternatives

Many management teams are involved in fire fighting and solving urgent matters that have developed into critical situations. Time needs to be set apart to study alternative solutions for the problems that lie under the surface of a running organization. ‘Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke,’ say the Americans, meaning, do not change something that is working well. This is disastrous advice in the present context of rapid change. Status quo is the gateway to overnight obsolescence. Innovation should be planned when things are going well. When things are going badly, when survival itself is an issue, no one has the time or energy to look for alternatives.

Ashok Leyland has a YES program to harvest new ideas from young executives.

Happiness Bytes

The world is in your drawing room, it is clamouring to change your life with more and more sophisticated toys. As a popular jingle goes, 'What separates the men from the boys is just the price of their toys.’ Simplify and go home to what you really need.

The world is like a buffet counter at a five-star hotel. Let's not grab everything on our plates. Let us be choosy, so that we may avoid spiritual indigestion and physical exhaustion.

Let us replace stress with positive emotions that engender joy. Let us increase our HQ.

‘I felt like a waterfall,’ said Diane Roffe–Stainrotter, gold medallist skier in the 1994 winter Olympics. The joy of a job perfectly executed, fills the body with the chemicals of bliss.

Professor Mihalyi Csikzent speaks about a state called the flow, which athletes, musicians, surgeons—in fact everyone experiences when they are at their best. It is the experience of doing your job with total immersion in it. So absorbed are you, that there is no place for anxiety or niggling worries.

Finding a job you love is one of the ways you can immunise yourself against health problems. A good marriage is a protective shield against heart attacks.

The capacity to enjoy the free gifts of Nature—sunlight, rain or flowers starts the flow of the chemicals of bliss. It is in this gentle chemical bath that the body is able to replace dying and dead tissues. Merely avoiding negative emotions is not enough; one should consistently cultivate the positive emotions: love, compassion, courage and peace.

Stress is the epidemic of the new millennium. Protect yourself.

Stress and Health Care Systems

The indigenous health-care system is commensurate with the traditional habits, lifestyle and value systems of a particular culture from where it has evolved. The indigenous health-care systems cannot be effective if there is a radical change in the habits of that culture. This ‘patient-system-mismatch’ is very evident in the case of westernised Red Indians who have lost their traditional healing capacities. On the contrary, the Keralities, inspite of coming into contact with the western culture, have not themselves become westernised. They still value their tradition. Perhaps that is why their age-old habit of using a rather high cholesterol diet has not resulted in an increased incidence of heart disease. It is also interesting that the indigenous systems of medicine continue to have a stronghold in Kerala.

All health-care systems, including modern medicine are in agreement today over the issue that a patient’s psychological state has much to do with the healing process. Minor activities like taking part in a satsang, singing a tune you enjoy and dancing for fun to your child’s delight can make you feel contented and allow the good chemicals flow.

‘The chief role of the doctor is, by various means, to induce the body to recover its trust in the Supreme Grace,’ said the Mother from Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry, decades ago.

The contact of the patient with the physician and the system is only an occasion to awaken him to the touch of the healer within.

Meditation And Pranayama

The only way to break this pattern is to find a way to change the response to tough situations. There is of course no way to make the situations less tough. Meditation and pranayama, provide everyone with a way of reducing the automatic, violent reactions to stress. You can actually control autonomous systems like heart beat and pulse rate, which were thought to be outside the individual’s control. Knowing and practicing meditation can provide you with a silent space where you can retreat into peace: slow breathing, steady heartbeat, low pulse. This space is always available within a person who has learnt to meditate. While you cannot change your job, family or your life situation, you can certainly learn to breathe more peacefully, thus reversing the process of excitation and avoiding the emotional hijack. It is not possible to learn meditation by thinking about it, any more than it is possible to learn swimming by talking about it. If you have to swim, you have to get into the water. Learning mediation and understanding your breathing patterns through pranayama may be the best investment you ever made. In India, there is no excuse not to learn these things. Stress need not be a response to the pace of your life. You can learn a peaceful response that protects your body.

The Age of Biology

Harvey described the heart as a pump. This was a mechanistic view which indicated that if the heart ‘broke down’, it had to be repaired like a machine. It did not take into account that the heart is a living organism sensitive to feelings and can recreate itself. As Deepak Chopra writes, ‘The body is a river,’ a swiftly changing river, which can reinvent itself by replacing unhealthy tissues with tender new tissues at the cellular level?

Our understanding of human life and growth is becoming organic. Building a life is not like putting up a building, but more like growing a tree: slower, organic and evolutionary. It cannot be done in a hurry. Like Nature, human development in order to be healthy has to follow a slower, more stable timetable. Those who seek to speed it up beyond a point will have to pay the price. The price may be their own lives. Many have died to live up to some unrealistic modern myth of yuppydom and success.